23 August 2011

Hi.

So. I haven't done this in a while. A lot has happened. and a thought of thoughts have gone unexpressed. That's never a good thing. The way my mind operates, it'll store every little negative thing in a little box somewhere until it's so full it explodes everywhere in a mess of tears and emotion unless I find some way to let it out little by little.

I've felt really empty lately. All I've been doing is going out and drinking and dancing and doing all these ridiculous things when I should be trying to get my life together. My therapist has been making pretty nice strides in what makes me tick, and bringing a lot of things to the surface that I never really knew were there.

Most people look at my facebook and assume I'm some miserably bitter, angry asshole, which isn't completely true. I don't mean half of the things I say, and that I'm really, really hard to piss off .
Some people have a way of getting under my skin. My mother for one. I have some sort of indescribable feeling of rage against her for no good reason. Sure.. there's been things in the past that she's done that have hurt, and hurt a lot, but that's no reason to hate anybody.

The past three months have been a blur. I've felt like a visitor in my own life. Like I've been sitting idle and watching someone else use my body. I've done things I haven't wanted to, but I couldn't stop. I don't like it. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know where to go. I'm walking through an endless pitch-black tunnel and there's no light as far as I can see.

I've thought about dating. Maybe that'd help. Someone to share your feelings with.. but then I always think I'm not in the correct mental state to attempt something like that. With everything I've bottled up, attempting to let someone in scares the fuck out of me. I would never want to have to have someone I know and care for be around me when I have one of my mental breakdowns.

I'm emotionless lately. I can't really feel anything besides anger and loneliness. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away because it's all I've ever known how to do. I can't let people get close to me. I just can't. It scares me to death. It's so odd. I don't like it. At all. I want to be a normal twenty year old.. whatever normal means. I can't express myself in any manner other than written. I can't show people I really care about them in person. I don't know why. After all that shit went down three years ago, which a very select few people know the details of, I've been a heartless, emotionless, black hole of a person. It's bizarre. I'm not going to talk myself up and be like "I'm really a nice person with a huge heart, I just can't say it.." because, while being a nice person may be one of my qualities, I'm still a bitch. That part is me. I do that consciously, because it's my safe zone. It keeps people from getting in because who would want to befriend a complete and total cunt like me?

Hopefully with school starting back today I'll get my zest for life back and have some motivation to do something with my life. Actually live instead of existing. Sleep because I have to, not because it means I don't have to deal with the world for a few hours. Be thankful for waking up in the morning, not pissed because I got woken up.

This isn't for pity. I hope you know that. This is therapeutic for me. I don't expect people to be like "Blake! I'm so sorry, blah blah blah". I don't like being shown sympathy because I don't deserve it. I brought all of the problems I have today on myself and there's nobody else that needs to accept the blame for it. If there's anything I would like out of people reading this is patience. Patience with me when I make the self-downing comments I'm so vividly known for.

There should be more of these in the future, and I'm hoping they won't be as depressing as this one. Look out for 'em.

Ciao.

27 February 2011

Sometimes I wish people knew exactly how I felt about them without having to tell them. 

02 February 2011

Valentine's Day.

"Watch what you say, people will call you bitter, lonely, and a hater."

they'd be correct. 

15 January 2011

People are a mystery.

i don't understand them at all. 
i don't understand the double standards, the guilt, the judgement. 
i'm doing them as we speak. 
i dislike double standards, but i have some.
i'm judging the people for judging. 

i have as much of a forked tongue as everyone else, and i say vengeful things like the rest of you, but the thing i absolutely hate is being guilt tripped over something that is none of your concern.

what i do is my business.
if it involves you, it's also your business. if it doesn't, it's not, so keep your comments to yourself. 

i'm sorry i don't live the life you'd want me to live, and i'm sorry if it changes your perception of me. 
i'd love you the same no matter what you did.
i love you for you, not what you do. 

i tell people this all the time. you can't give man free will, and then try to control someone else's. you can't take something that should be a want and make it a requirement. 

you want me to get biblical? i'll get biblical. 
God gave man free will so we would love Him because we WANT to love Him, not because we have to. He's not a dictator, and even though he could make us, he doesn't. 
there are three categories of people who can make you do anything against your will.
1. God.
2. Your parents.
3. Your boss/superiors.
not you, not me, not anyone else. 


my name is blake, and i don't know what to think anymore.

14 January 2011

learn to think before you speak.

i must have missed this life lesson, because my fat mouth gets me in more trouble than i dare speak of.
i'm so bad at controlling my words when things get out of hand.
i become the biggest asshole on the planet, and say things i regret.
i hurt people when they don't deserve to be hurt.
i say things like i mean them, even when i don't. 
i do exactly what i criticize so many people for. 
i become a blind hypocrite, unable to see the ridiculous things spewing forth from my retarded brain, spitting contradictions like acid. 
there aren't many people i can't live without, but you're one of them. 
i'm sorry. really. i doubt you'll read this, but i'm saying it anyway. 
i love you. 

05 January 2011

On recent events..

Mm. So much to say, so much time to say it. :)

I don't even remember what the last actual post I wrote said. Oh well.
Obviously, I didn't get shot by the crazy cellphone bandit plaguing Delta 3 & 4. Woot. 
That was, what, Thursday? 

Fridayyyy. Happy New Years! That was super fun. 
(I know Brooke will flip when she reads this.. but it was New Years. Ha.)

We started early-ish. Went to Toomey's around 2 to buy masks, they were SUPPOSED to close at 4, but they're stupid. They let us in, though. Sweeties. 
Once we purchased our masks for the Masquerade party at the Music Box that night, we split up and Daniel and I went to IHOP. 
Mmm, IHOP. I forgot what I got. Some fried food sampler. My poor arteries.. 

Then we went to Target to buy some junk for D's apartment, we found Monica at work and soon after Dean, Lisa & India came along. I even saw Allison, haha. 

What happened after that? Oh. We went back to his Apartment and Brittney came over to start the partayy. 
Went up to the gas station to get some goods, came back. Went back to my room to shower and get ready, Brittney had downed a bottle of Arbor Mist already and was freaking hilarious. Once we'd gotten ready, we took some pics. 


From there, we went to Monica's apartment to meet up and head to the Box. We all took shots to commemorate the beginning of our night (all except for the drivers. we're underage, but we're responsible). 
Once reaching downtown, the line for the Box was a little retarded, Daniel and Jeffrey ditched us for B-Bob's, and I went to go pee in a bush because I was about to go all over myself, so I stumbled all around downtown looking for a secluded area so I wouldn't get arrested haha. Mission accomplished! 
It still took forever for us to get in after that, but once we did, it was really fun. 
Joe, Jessica, and AJ came a little after midnight, this was my first legit New Years experience! 
Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone for a traditional "New Year's Kiss" at midnight, so that's all that was lacking. I was with the people I love, minus a few, and that was enough. :)

Poor planning, but I had to be on a bus to Atlanta at 8AM the next morning. We got back from downtown around 4-ish after a pitstop at Waffle House. 
I came back to my dorm and showered and packed what I could, and headed up to sleep in Springhill's parking lot because I KNEW I wouldn't wake up for it if I actually slept in my bed. 
Not a good idea to get on a 6-hour bus ride with a hangover. :\

I've come to the conclusion I'm just a bitch. I'm super hard to get along with and stuck up as can be. It's time for a change. People don't like people who don't like other people. Everyone has flaws and it's not my place to pick them to pieces like a vulture because something they do irks me.
There's a lot I need to work on.
Weight.
Habits.
Words. 
Personality. 
Individuality. 
Confidence. 
Openness. 
Shame.
Regret. 
Pride. 
Vanity.
Lust. 

You get the point.