To some people, this could be shocking. To others, it could be reassuring. To my sister, she'll probably have a heart attack, call my parents, who will then have a heart attack, who will then call and tell me to give back my car and credit card like they did two years ago.
Some people call this a choice.
Some people call this wrong.
Some people call this "being of the world".
I'm here to tell you it's none of these things. It is not a choice. I do not choose between liking a male or liking a female. I do not choose to be hated by society because I want a little kick. I do not choose to be excluded from my family because of the way my mind works.
It's hard, people don't understand.
For years I hid everything from everyone. Some of you knew me through this time. I was miserable, awkward, angry. I realized something was different when I was in fourth grade. There was a kid named Parker and I found myself oddly attracted to him. I continued to have thoughts of 'I want to be friends with him" and I didn't know why. I never talked to him, I was too scared.
When I was in 6th grade, I "dated" my best friend from Kindergarten. She was so awesome, and we constantly sent stupid little handwritten notes telling each other how much we loved each other. Things happened that I had no clue about up until a few months ago, and it turns out we had the same story.
When I got into high school, I was shocked at how made-up all of the girls were. It was a huge turnoff. I found myself wanting to get close to the more natural of them. I had a huge crush on one girl, but then it just kind of died. During my sophomore year, I started to get awkward feelings towards some of my friends, causing me to distance myself from them. I couldn't look any guys in the face. I felt disgusting. I only spoke to girls and hoped they only spoke to me.
Junior year I started to get a little more comfortable with myself. I claimed to be "Bi" around the people like Brandie, India, Kaitlin.
Senior year was the same. I wasn't happy with myself, but I was getting there. Somehow it got out around the school and I started to get anonymous MySpace messages asking about it. The summer because I started college, my family took its usual trip to the beach sometime in July. For whatever reason, after we got back I felt inclined to seek my parents approval of my homosexuality. My mom had always been the one to say, "Blake, you can tell me anything." So, I decided to take advantage of that and tell her the biggest secret of all. It started with me saying, "You know how you always pick on how I act sometimes and say 'Blake, gay people do that'? Well.. put two and two together." All she could say to that was "What are you talking about?" (My mom isn't the sharpest tack) So, I just blurted it out. She was shocked, I don't know how or why. All of the signs were there. The only way you could not see it was if you were completely against it convinced yourself that it was impossible.
Fun fact: My mother bought me a Barbie when I was little. I remember it. It was the counterpart to a Barbie my sister got. Hers had a pink one-piece bathing suit with a pink heart inner tube. Mine had a blue two-piece bathing suit with a blue flower tube. She didn't buy them both for Brooke, she bought one for each of us. I grew up around girls my entire life. The only real male friends I had were Eric and Preston. Eric was older, Preston was way younger. Eric stopped talking to me when he hit Satsuma, and I just got annoyed with Preston easily.
You know how they always ask if homosexuality behavioral or environmental? I can't really tell for sure what it is. I've felt like this from a young age, but I always grew up like it. I grew up with my sisters friends. We played dolls and watched chick flicks. I always longed to play dress up but always got the "that's not a boy game!" response.
Anyway.
When I told my mom, she flipped. She called everyone she knew and went into a severe depression. I asked her to keep it to herself, but she never can. She called our family members, her friends, she even called my friends. She sent me to therapy for it. I came home one day to both of my parents sitting in dim lighting, they called me into the living room and said to sit on the couch. My mom started.
"Your dad said you can hand over your car keys, your clothes, your credit card, and everything else and get out if that's the type of life you want to live."
My own parents.
The supposed rock of my life. Where's that everlasting love a mother feels for her child? Just because I like males, I'm not allowed to be their son.
Not many people understand the pain that comes with that kind of ultimatum. It took me a year to convince my parents it was a phase. I was so close to getting out. So close to being free, but no. I was sealed back as tightly as ever.
I slipped back into my depression, went back on medication. Nothing helped. All I wanted to do was die. I barely got out of bed, I rarely left the house, and I never smiled.
So, now that I'm living on campus and have gotten away from my parents, I've started feeling better about myself. My sister says that I act this way because I try to conform to whoever I'm hanging out with so that I can have more in common with them. Sometimes this is true.
Clothing-wise, I copy a lot of people. I don't like to try anything new until someone tells me I can pull it off. If I bought a graphic tee, my mother would think it was some kind of teenage angst/punk rebellion I was trying to pull off, so all I could ever wear was plaid and polos.
It's weird though. I can't deny that I do morph some aspects of my personality in order to cater to the personalities of others, that's just because I know I'm extremely rough around the edges and want to appeal to the person as much as possible. This could be taken as a compliment, because it means that I want you to like me, but I don't know if you'll like me for who I am.
I do this to a lot of people, and I'm sorry.
I have a severe inferiority complex when it comes to meeting people.
where was I going with this? oh yeah.
I only recently became comfortable with myself when I learned what started to work for me.
In my Geology class, I was approached by someone whom I found attractive the first day of class. When he asked my name, I hiccuped a little out of surprise. When I got a facebook message later that day, I was blood red in the face. This was the first time someone I had a slight crush on had ever talked to me.
Lyk oh em gee ~~!
Anyway. I will forever thank Daniel for being the one to pull me completely out of my shell. Things might not have worked out, but I hope to forever retain a strong friendship with him.
But still, back to the main point.
I'm just tired of keeping everything bottled up. I think it's time to burst out from behind brightly colored curtains and scream,
"Hello world, this is Blake!"
"Hello world, this is Blake!"
It's nice to do that. I'm actually starting to be happy on a daily basis, despite recent happenings. Some people will probably look down on people like Daniel, who encouraged me to be who I am, but I will defend him, and the others, to my grave.
In conclusion:
This is not a choice, this is a lifestyle.
I am not ashamed of it.
I do not believe it is wrong.
I do believe that it is possible to be a homosexual and also a Christian.
and, if somehow you missed it, yes. I am a homosexual.
A few thank you's -
India: Jeez, what can I say to you? You've been one of the biggest helps of all. Always encouraging me to be myself by being nothing but when it comes to you. I'm so glad we've rekindled our friendship. I love you!
Daniel: I don't even know how you came into the picture. What possessed you to find out who I was, then follow through and talk to me. Whatever did, I thank it and you for it. You were an amazing addition to my circle of friends, and I really hope that we can smooth over the current situation.
DeAnn: Guh, we may not have talked much at Satsuma, but I'm so glad we're good friends now! I love you :)
Brooke: You're paranoid, you're overprotective, and you're a little stressful. But, I love you for it because you're always there when I need you. I hope that this one truth doesn't change anything between us.
