So. I haven't done this in a while. A lot has happened. and a thought of thoughts have gone unexpressed. That's never a good thing. The way my mind operates, it'll store every little negative thing in a little box somewhere until it's so full it explodes everywhere in a mess of tears and emotion unless I find some way to let it out little by little.
I've felt really empty lately. All I've been doing is going out and drinking and dancing and doing all these ridiculous things when I should be trying to get my life together. My therapist has been making pretty nice strides in what makes me tick, and bringing a lot of things to the surface that I never really knew were there.
Most people look at my facebook and assume I'm some miserably bitter, angry asshole, which isn't completely true. I don't mean half of the things I say, and that I'm really, really hard to piss off .
Some people have a way of getting under my skin. My mother for one. I have some sort of indescribable feeling of rage against her for no good reason. Sure.. there's been things in the past that she's done that have hurt, and hurt a lot, but that's no reason to hate anybody.
The past three months have been a blur. I've felt like a visitor in my own life. Like I've been sitting idle and watching someone else use my body. I've done things I haven't wanted to, but I couldn't stop. I don't like it. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know where to go. I'm walking through an endless pitch-black tunnel and there's no light as far as I can see.
I've thought about dating. Maybe that'd help. Someone to share your feelings with.. but then I always think I'm not in the correct mental state to attempt something like that. With everything I've bottled up, attempting to let someone in scares the fuck out of me. I would never want to have to have someone I know and care for be around me when I have one of my mental breakdowns.
I'm emotionless lately. I can't really feel anything besides anger and loneliness. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away because it's all I've ever known how to do. I can't let people get close to me. I just can't. It scares me to death. It's so odd. I don't like it. At all. I want to be a normal twenty year old.. whatever normal means. I can't express myself in any manner other than written. I can't show people I really care about them in person. I don't know why. After all that shit went down three years ago, which a very select few people know the details of, I've been a heartless, emotionless, black hole of a person. It's bizarre. I'm not going to talk myself up and be like "I'm really a nice person with a huge heart, I just can't say it.." because, while being a nice person may be one of my qualities, I'm still a bitch. That part is me. I do that consciously, because it's my safe zone. It keeps people from getting in because who would want to befriend a complete and total cunt like me?
Hopefully with school starting back today I'll get my zest for life back and have some motivation to do something with my life. Actually live instead of existing. Sleep because I have to, not because it means I don't have to deal with the world for a few hours. Be thankful for waking up in the morning, not pissed because I got woken up.
This isn't for pity. I hope you know that. This is therapeutic for me. I don't expect people to be like "Blake! I'm so sorry, blah blah blah". I don't like being shown sympathy because I don't deserve it. I brought all of the problems I have today on myself and there's nobody else that needs to accept the blame for it. If there's anything I would like out of people reading this is patience. Patience with me when I make the self-downing comments I'm so vividly known for.
There should be more of these in the future, and I'm hoping they won't be as depressing as this one. Look out for 'em.
Ciao.
