Damn

 i used to be sophisticated

Here we go againnn

Quit smoking yesterday. Yikes. Anxiety isn't as bad as it usually is, but laaaaawd are people good at irritating the shit out of me today. It's going to be fun trying not to snap any necks for the next 13 days. 😬 lol. 

At least I'm finally doing it for myself and not for others. For that reason, I will not falter. 💪 

I need a blunt. 

C'est la vie

Christmas came early!

                   This is a thrill I haven't had in a while. Not for the presents, really.. even though, yeah, that is the reason we're here now, that's irrelevant. I finally got my new laptop after old faithful v.2.0. succumbed to a glass of water back in April. While I was at first ridiculously excited to jump on and immediately re-immerse myself into my fantasy world of Aion, Windows 8 and the new tech didn't seem willing to let me do that. Details aren't necessary. 

What that made me realize, however, was that I finally had the opportunity to write again. All these months I've had no healthy outlet for all the shit going on, resulting in a few too many explosions. All in the past though! 

It'd be pretty meaningless to write about everything that's happened in the past 8 months in a little blog post, right? I can happily admit that nobody really gives a shit about all that. Haha. I'd probably bore myself to sleep in the process of trying to. 

Tempting as that sounds, I'll pass. 

Merry Christmas blogger :)  

(One day) It (surely) Gets (ten times) Better.

Well, we're back, and keeping the ever-so-typical theme of life problems. Nobody reads this, so it's nice to vent about things bothering me when I can't actually confront them physically. 


My life's been a complete roller coaster lately; so many ups and downs that I'm starting to question the properties of gravity. For the past year, I've basically been on a journey of self discovery- trying to figure out what makes me tick, what causes me to do some of the things I do, or things I say, etc. It's long a boring and anybody that does stumble upon this wouldn't want to read about stupid shit like that anyway. 


The main issue in this post is the relationship between myself and my mother. The pain in my heart has been rising to unbearable heights as of late due to an increase in the tension between her and myself because of my sexuality and "lifestyle".


The kinds of things you read on the internet, see in the "It Gets Better" videos all over youtube, and hear about from all kinds of growing up gay help sites. I've told my coming out story countless times, down to each gruesome detail. I'm not trying to be a poster child for disillusioned parents who can't seem to grasp a very minor idea that nothing made us this way, there's nothing to blame for it, nothing you can do about it, and no reason in trying to fix what isn't broken. It's not a medical condition that can be cured with medication, it's not a mental disability that can be cured through therapy. It's simply a fact of life. 


The other day, my mother and I got into a huge fallout because of something I repeated, a completely irrelevant subject and irrelevant statement that would go completely ignored by a normal person, but instead, she snapped. Again, not going into that. That's too much stupid shit to even worry about. After it was over, or at least I thought it was over, I just shut up and walked away. She burst my door open and says, "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call all of my friends up and be like, 'You know Blake's gay, right?' and we'll see how it feels for you to be degraded." 
The last word of that sentence broke me. Broke my heart, broke my mind, and broke my spirit. I don't give a shit about gay comments from random people, they play no role in my everyday life and their opinion doesn't differ from what someone thousands of miles thinks of me, but my mother, one half to the whole that brought me into this world, one of the main bricks in the foundation of my life, using something completely out of my control as a personal attack against me completely fucked my head up. I've heard stupid shit like that from tons of people. They might as well be speaking to a wall, because that's as much attention as I pay to them.


I still hear my mother's voice in that cold, vengeful tone saying the word "degraded" over and over as if it's an echo trapped in a space with no escape. The vibrations bounce and jump, but it just gets louder. 


I'm one of the people that's always been the type to have the "Your life may be bad, but somebody, somewhere is worse off than you." A statement true for everybody. 


That was the first time I've openly allowed myself to burst into tears in front of somebody. Not over the phone, but in person. I don't think I could have made it through that night without the three angels that came to me in the form of some of my closest friends. To this night, two of them still don't know what happened. It took everything I had to keep a straight face and not turn into the sob story of the party. 


Anyway.
Blah, blah, blah, sob sob etc.
Fuck that.


I'm over being the pitiful little child I am on the inside, on the outside. It's time I put my big boy diaper on and treat life like it treats me. They say you'll never get what you want unless you take it, and that's what I'll do. Grab life by the balls and pull a role-reversal. It's time for you to be my bitch, and I'm not holding back like you did for me. 

Hi.

So. I haven't done this in a while. A lot has happened. and a thought of thoughts have gone unexpressed. That's never a good thing. The way my mind operates, it'll store every little negative thing in a little box somewhere until it's so full it explodes everywhere in a mess of tears and emotion unless I find some way to let it out little by little.

I've felt really empty lately. All I've been doing is going out and drinking and dancing and doing all these ridiculous things when I should be trying to get my life together. My therapist has been making pretty nice strides in what makes me tick, and bringing a lot of things to the surface that I never really knew were there.

Most people look at my facebook and assume I'm some miserably bitter, angry asshole, which isn't completely true. I don't mean half of the things I say, and that I'm really, really hard to piss off .
Some people have a way of getting under my skin. My mother for one. I have some sort of indescribable feeling of rage against her for no good reason. Sure.. there's been things in the past that she's done that have hurt, and hurt a lot, but that's no reason to hate anybody.

The past three months have been a blur. I've felt like a visitor in my own life. Like I've been sitting idle and watching someone else use my body. I've done things I haven't wanted to, but I couldn't stop. I don't like it. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know where to go. I'm walking through an endless pitch-black tunnel and there's no light as far as I can see.

I've thought about dating. Maybe that'd help. Someone to share your feelings with.. but then I always think I'm not in the correct mental state to attempt something like that. With everything I've bottled up, attempting to let someone in scares the fuck out of me. I would never want to have to have someone I know and care for be around me when I have one of my mental breakdowns.

I'm emotionless lately. I can't really feel anything besides anger and loneliness. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away because it's all I've ever known how to do. I can't let people get close to me. I just can't. It scares me to death. It's so odd. I don't like it. At all. I want to be a normal twenty year old.. whatever normal means. I can't express myself in any manner other than written. I can't show people I really care about them in person. I don't know why. After all that shit went down three years ago, which a very select few people know the details of, I've been a heartless, emotionless, black hole of a person. It's bizarre. I'm not going to talk myself up and be like "I'm really a nice person with a huge heart, I just can't say it.." because, while being a nice person may be one of my qualities, I'm still a bitch. That part is me. I do that consciously, because it's my safe zone. It keeps people from getting in because who would want to befriend a complete and total cunt like me?

Hopefully with school starting back today I'll get my zest for life back and have some motivation to do something with my life. Actually live instead of existing. Sleep because I have to, not because it means I don't have to deal with the world for a few hours. Be thankful for waking up in the morning, not pissed because I got woken up.

This isn't for pity. I hope you know that. This is therapeutic for me. I don't expect people to be like "Blake! I'm so sorry, blah blah blah". I don't like being shown sympathy because I don't deserve it. I brought all of the problems I have today on myself and there's nobody else that needs to accept the blame for it. If there's anything I would like out of people reading this is patience. Patience with me when I make the self-downing comments I'm so vividly known for.

There should be more of these in the future, and I'm hoping they won't be as depressing as this one. Look out for 'em.

Ciao.

Sometimes I wish people knew exactly how I felt about them without having to tell them. 

Valentine's Day.

"Watch what you say, people will call you bitter, lonely, and a hater."

they'd be correct.